// yes I know, it's too late.

But I want it that way.

(tell me why)
I never wanna hear you say,
I want it that way //

there are two types of HTHTs.
1. the ones which make you feel better/enlightened.
2. the ones which make you feel worse than ever.

I think I just had one of the second nature. feeling so messed up within I don't know how to put into words. I think I was just thrown into deep regret, that I didn't care enough before. I've briefly mentioned a mistake I committed before. I had known the severity of it, and I have been trying my hardest to make up for it. But I guess sometimes it really is too late to make up for a certain mistake. Perhaps it's only one aspect that can't be reversed, but that one aspect might be major as hell.

Firstly, I wish I had known you better before the tragedy. I wish I had been more than hi-bye friends with you before everything happened. Before you flung yourself into despair. Also, I wish I had taken more initiative to reach out to you when you were suffering. You'd probably be stubborn like me, but regardless how stubborn I might be, I know how it feels to have people caring, even if I refuse to open up to them. I had flashbacks. I thought about the things that didn't matter to me as much because I didn't know you better, because I didn't know to appreciate your feelings better. And for that much, it is my fault. I'm trying now, and I genuinely don't want to have anymore regrets. It won't be easy, but it frustrates me the way things are now. I would say I feel you, but honestly I know I don't. What you feel is probably so much more intense and with so much more negativity and I don't blame you. Really. I just really hope that you'll be able to be happier. (just don't. push me away.)

Secondly, I began pondering about the concept of popularity. Why is it a matter, or a huge matter to be more precise, whether or not someone is 'popz' as they call it? I mean yes, some people have characteristics which are admirable and warrants them affection from their peers. But really, should this be what defines you? Should popularity be of top priority, to determine whether or not someone's life is fulfilling? No offence intended, but I honestly don't think so. Popularity is really subjective though? I don't despise people who are supposedly popular, unless they abuse it of course, but when the word 'popz' is being used on me from time to time it's starting to irk me quite a bit. Was asked about my repulsion towards the word and all I could think of is "my most important thing to do now is to study and do well, so I don't put my parents' money to waste (because uni is honestly an expensive bitch) because they paid for my education". Does this mean that I'm just gonna be a lifeless mugger? Nope. I just need to be sure not to let the wrong priorities and values cloud my head.

Lastly, I was left to think about the idiom "familiarity breeds contempt". I went to check up the definition to be super sure about what I was gonna elaborate about and it says: "the more we know people, the more likely we are to find fault with them." Not exactly 100% what I had it mind, but it'll suffice. So after coming to uni, of course I don't see my other friends as much. When we meet up, all feels good because it's like we haven't seen each other in ages and all we want to do is to catch up about each other's lives, know how everyone's been doing, and feel happy when we know that everyone's doing great. But what happens when we meet up too often? Would we run out of things to do? Things to talk about? Will we eventually get bored of each other because what we do is just leisure? Who gets bored of leisure anyway, never thought it'll really happen. Faintly recall discussing something of a similar nature with a certain someone before, this feels familiar and I'm afraid my fear is about to come true.

used to look forward to weekends so much, but now they aren't even the same anymore.
It's late, I'm overthinking. I should sleep.