This is a post that came tons later than it should have, but I guess I could take the opportunity here to get this out of me. 

8July2014. Today is the birthday of someone special. He used to be the most important guy in my life (well apart from my papa), and he was for almost a whole solid 3 years. Over time, things changed and fate decided that some happiness are not meant to be so long lived. I wouldn't deny that my world crashed when I realized I wouldn't have him around me nearly as much as I liked anymore. But I guess, change is the only constant, and w/o change there wouldn't be butterflies.

So when things changed, I changed too. I went through many stages of recovery and healing, I hope they were the essential ones but even if they weren't it's already in the past so yeah. Denial, escapism, anger, constantly finding something/someone to put the blame on, acceptance (actually this existed in every stage but well...), moving on, etc. It's a long and winding road and this is based on personal experience I guess. I'm blogging it out so that maybe when I come back here a few years time I'll be glad to see the new person I've become.

Throughout these months, I have really been a brat to everyone. Even him, yes. I have morphed into just your typical selfish brat that just puts my own feelings above that of everyone's. I expect the whole world to be there for me in the moments when I felt like dying (and mind you this isn't something very rare), I don't even know how I have such poor control over my heart. I have become more brittle, more easily subjected to words that weren't even half as insulting as stuff I easily tolerated in the past. In other words, I crumbled. I was a grenade that threatened to explode any moment, w/o warnings.

Over here, I guess I'll have to say that I'm really thankful for everyone who stayed by my side regardless of whether or not I was a brat to you. Throughout this whole time, I rode on every inch of support I could possibly gather, I tried really hard to strengthen my inner soul which I allowed to break into so many pieces. I wouldn't say I'm done, but I'm on my way there. To those who kept on encouraging me, I am really grateful that you've stuck by me every single time I feel so low and unworthy. Even to those who I didn't spoke a word about this to, I thank you for brightening up my day even though you might not know that you did.

Vaguely remember the dinner with the primary school buddies when they brought this up and I told them that it's over, and I still could remember those looks of shock and disbelief. I guess when you had things going pretty well no one would have and could have expected something like this. But the world is not a wish granting factory, and we take what we are given, what fate gives to us. I admit that I have blamed fate quite a fair bit, but I believe that there's always a reason for what happens and this is no exception. 

Uni's starting in a bit, and I really wish to put down this emotional baggage completely before moving into a new phase of my life. I want to start on a clean slate, not feel unworthy and just going back to feeling normal, and perhaps feeling good about myself. I know that I am not a holder of exceptionally fantastic grades, just mere mediocre ones to speak of, but I know that I want to try all over again, to work for what I really want and what I believe will be the best for myself. I want to re-enrich my life and get back onto track again.

You've been amazing company: my gym buddy, food buddy, movie buddy, ktv buddy, shopping buddy, bowling buddy, soccer buddy and so many more. Perhaps that's why my world crashed when you left, because you were such an integral part and you were practically everywhere. But when things are over, we've to move on. And even if in future some things might not matter to you anymore, they'll always be kept safely in a locked component of my heart. Our infinity didn't last forever, but it was great while it lasted and I'll forever be grateful. For now, you're a friend I'm unsure if I can get to keep. But I'll always want things to be for the better and I believe we'll do just whatever we need to. Thank you for everything thus far. I wish you happiness and hope that you will be truly happy. Happy Birthday to you :)