Okay I was supposed to sleep.
But some things fill my mind a lil too much decided to blog.

It's the same every year, I'm such a disappointment.
And yet 我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天。
Maybe it's true that I shld nvr expect anything, maybe then I wont be disappointed?
But why does it hurt so much to have expectations of myself?

Frankly speaking I disappointed myself totally today.
Went to school expecting to fail physics and ace the other 3 but it didnt turn out that way.
I surprised myself for physics even :O but it was nothing much to be proud of.
But to look on the bright side, I've made up my mind to do physics next year.
Biology disappoints, I swear.
Every single year biology never fails to disappoint the shit outta me, and I've had enough.
Also, from biology I learnt that effort definitely does not equate to results.
God knows how many freakin hours I spent on that subject with the hope aceing it.
And how I felt after the paper differed from my utter shock from the zero that met my eye when we got the papers back just now.

I really cant believe how unfair this world is. Especially the education system.
Because seriously, my grades definitely dont reflect my intellect.
They just reflect how screwed up my brains get during the exams.

I think it hurts most that my parents dont even say a thing nowadays.
Makes me wonder to myself if theyve really given up on me.
Guess I deserve it anyway, I'm such a disappointment.
They probably dont wanna put their hopes too high for fear of disappointing themselves once again.

I also wonder if they know how much effort I really put in this time round.
Mummy thinks that I dont do well cuz I dont study but thats not true :(
Sometimes I wish she'd understand :/
I dont want them to think that I didnt put in effort at all :/
Cuz I feel that I definitely deserve better than this.

It's easy to say that I'll get thru this.
Sure, ofc I will. But not just yet.
I need a lil more time, before I can actly talk to people w/o plastering that fake smile on.

I'm sure 10 years on I'd look back and myself really foolish, being so unhappy over 2 unsatisfactory numbers.
But I need to re-emphasize, I'm disappointed with not those numbers but the effort vs results idea.

Okay, blogging makes me tired.
This is good.
Goodnight all.

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